My eighties is Laura Branigan and an apology to that crackhead I peed on.

Here we are, it's Friday, and I have found a little gem of a moment here with my cup o' joe, my shoddy orphan beater beard and at least two stains on my person that I am unable to identify. The up side is, stains on my clothes remind me of the eighties, which is kind of like a stain on the century. It also reminds me of the possible stain I left on a crackhead last Friday with my hearty urine stream. Yes, this actually occurred.

It goes like this. I'm drunk enough to actually hold a conversation with a computer technician and very obviously palm my junk through my levis at "statutory anomalies", when all of a sudden, my bladder is struck with a kind of pressure comparable to the crushing guilt only a Jewish mother can apply (a believe the actual unit of measure is an "Oy"). I run with moderate, Caucasian speed, to the nearest dumpster, unleash the mountain of meat that is my bologna pony, and exhume a stream that Captain Kirk would be proud of... ... right onto what upon reflection would have been the left shoulder of a crouching drug addict just trying to enjoy his 2:53AM visit to fraggle rock (crack, he was smoking crack).

Luckily, the appearance of my clean shaven purple headed yogurt slinger in full dead cell and ammonia disposal mode sent him sprinting with even greater moderate Caucasian speed away from me, mumbling and cursing and slapping at his moist shoulder as though he could somehow banish the liquid Chris-waste now clinging to his Tears for Fears t-shirt. Mmmm.

So crackhead that I peed on, let's call you.... Whitney. Whitney... I'm sorry, I was drunk, and what I did was inappropriate and could have caused those open sores on your face to sting I'm sure. That night, we gave each other something. Your t-shirt, dead, joyless eyes and what seemed to be a terminal bone marrow deficiency gave me inspiration for today's blog. I gave you a slappingly tight piss stream to your left flank and shoulder.

Which brings me to this: Everybody loves the acne prone allure of the eighties. The eighties, with all it's imperfections and denim. The eighties, when Trix weren't just for kids! (I have no actual proof supporting that claim, but a surprisingly large amount of evidence to the contrary) I've gone through a veritable sea of eighties internet memorabilia to try and get that feeling back (which is hard because I was like, 4) and I found it. Your assignment for Friday is, imagine me peeing on a homeless drug addict, smirking devilishly, and then that same homeless (I think he was an army veteran) guy running away in eighties slow motion to Laura Branigans "Gloria." That, to me, is the eighties.

GLORIA: The soundtrack to Friday night urine terrorism and fond contemplation of the 80's

Thank you for taking that journey with me. Whenever you find yourself in a situation involving urine, crack, strangers, heavy drinking, garbage dumpsters and dim lighting or any combination of the aforementioned elements , I hope "Gloria" is your soundtrack too. On a side note, Rave Arnie knows you are weak to DA MUSIK!!!!

RAVE ARNIE!!!

Fuck yeah.

So this Friday, I will be taking things easy, and putting out the first weekend post for 5% Nation of Aphorism.

History will be made, hymens with pop and inner children will weep. There will be an abundance of fart jokes and agnostic commentary too!

I want to send an open invitation to those following 5% Nation currently to send me special requests for topics or general endeavors you would like me to undertake and write about for this weekends content. If I get no suggestions it will likely be about bestiality, Peter Akinola, Philip Morris and labial piercings.... Booooring! So please jackhammer my potential monologues with thick vein y suggestions.

Greek Mythology, the new choice for Canadian quasi-political religious zealots.

This Tuesday, though I had a whole deuce-load of weekend contemplate events and add avant-garde commentary to these occurrences, I’ll be getting my thoughts out there as quickly as possible, just like Zsa Zsa Gabor should do. (According to the 2011 celebrity death list, anyway.)

"Buy things from old Navy, Nwah!" (that was her right?)

Let's start with some mature themed monologue to celebrate things that old people care about, but then twist the topic ridiculously to make them angry. I have a great deal of respect for the people currently implicated in Canadian politics, for two reasons. The first reason is how tremendously boring Canadian politics manages to be. The second reason is how confusing Canadian politics manages to be. Plus our hot topics suck: Harper takes piss, misses group picture at G20. Whatever. Congressman Anthony Weiner tweets photos of his wiener. Come on! Harpers penis keeps him out of a picture, Weiner can't stop sending pictures of his.

That really says it all when comparing the disparity in entertainment value of the two systems. The other thing is if I were in Canadian politics, I wouldn't have a sweet fucking clue about where to stand on religion. Are we still primarily Catholic? Is that still a thing? Catholics? Or did they merge with Baptists and become the Progressive Catholics (conservative/catholic comparison humor.)? In the states if you aren't Christian, you're likely not a very successful politician…… AND A TERRORIST!!! Not in Canada, in Canada we typically don't ask about all that spiritual stuff until you've deepened the deficit. "Yeah, we're totally more in debt than we were when that other guy was in office... did anyone even check if he was religious? Ah man... we really messed up." Booooring!

So here's what we do, because as Canadians a dual party system is way too American to ever be implemented, and dictatorship always has that risk of becoming dangerously Stalin-rific,

“I make funny face like this, and zen children come, and zen I spit zee poison in their faces!!!”

we need add a little spice to a system that already has an abundance of choices. Normally I'm a huge supporter of not creating conflict where there is none (kind of) but Canadian politics is like eating bran flakes in powdered milk with a cardboard spoon (bland, I mean it's bland.) so since we like choices so much (even though statistically we don’t actually vote) let's add those choices to our religious choices and mix that in with our 132 opposing yet equal views in a six party political system. Plus, monotheism is sooooooooo American.

Back to the classics I say, Greek Mythology. That way, I can say that I'm a right-wing liberal with green party ties, but I worship Zeus while being an Apollo enthusiast. Talk about choices AND enough point/counter-point angles to get people to fight (or as Canadians, politely disagree) with each other all day long. Plus, our politicians can easily be compared to some of the great figures of Greek myth, observe! Also keep in mind these are all actual quotes, seriously.

   

HADES (HARPER) LORD OF THE UNDERWORLD

"If Ottawa giveth, then Ottawa can Taketh away!"

He’s the evil ruler of the Conservative Party, in power and hated by all, doesn’t play well with others and is about as charismatic as an AIDS infested open sore.

 

ADONIS (LAYTON) MR. POPULAR! (At least for now.)

“What we need to do is stand up for ourselves when we're unfairly treated.”*

It seems by opinion of the younger voters; he's hip at the moment. Also, has an incredible, harmless smile. So harmless that I think he does it on purpose so when you least expect it, BAM! Rufi, and then he goes all “Rapin’ Jack Layton” on you.

PERSEPHONE (ELIZABETH MAY) GODDESS OF SPRING!

“We will raise holy hell!”*

So remember Persephone, what happens is once every 6 months Persephone is banished to the Underworld as a punishment to her mother (I think), then comes back for the next 6 months (signifying spring, yadda yadda yadda). In this case it’s kind of the same, Liz here isn’t allowed to take part in the debate, and then later, she shows up as a candidate anyway except in this case just signifying inevitable failure at the polls. Trees can’t vote, silly Liz.

POSEIDON (DUCEPPE) GOD OF THE SEAS!

“I went around Quebec saying the same thing I just said to you, and I see no opposition at all,”*

Old, intense and somehow thought he had a say in everything even though he really only spoke for Quebec just like Poseidon butting in on the affairs of men when really he only controlled the fucking dolphins. Aside from that, mostly the comparison is just because of this picture which is just amazingly ridiculous. "Nom nom nom I am the Kraken nom nom nom!"

NOBODY (IGNATIEFF) WHICH WAS PROVEN IN THE ELECTION.

“I spent five years in the United States. I admire and respect American institutions.”*

Pissed off because he's as popular as VD and now spending an additional 5 years in America to do more admiring and respecting of their institutions. Way to connect with the Canadian people Iggy, by rambling on about America.

            Now, we can pray the way we vote (or statistically don’t vote)! Saturated with choices of representatives of such obscurely narrow portfolios and dogmas that they all represent a fraction of the 27.98% of Canadians that actually get off their Canadian bacon and vote. The purely Canadian opinion that no political party aptly represents the vast complexity of the collective Canadian belief system: “Yeah I’m liberal, but I’m not THAT kind of liberal, I’m too financially conscious to go NDP but I can’t get behind the Liberal platform and I lost my bong so I’d feel like a poseur voting Green Party.” can now be turned into its religious equivalent. That’s important, because if we make religion as complicated and ridiculously expansive as our political system, people might, I don’t know, lose interest in religion all together the same way they have in politics. Here’s hoping!



It's Friday, and as is customary for a neurotic atheist on Friday, I'm looking back on my week with that sinking feeling that I am A: Alone in the universe and B: People keep looking at my hair analytically as though it somehow identifies me as a chronic masturbator. It is also customary for me to formulate hip come backs to reciprocate burns I have been subjected to over the course of the week ("Yeah? Well maybe YOU talk like a fucking dictionary too! A dictionary for MORONS!"... no that's not...that's terrible). It also means the weekend is here, heralding ample time to seek out ulcer-inducing space-knowledge (Roaming black holes, yeah, they might swallow the sun, for reals), carelessly buy a new Incredible Hulk graphic novel (and then the Hulk catches the crashing economy, punches it in the face and saves a baby venture capital firm!) and reimplement my devil may care policy to safe sex.

Here's something we should all be doing this weekend with the money we usually use to purchase drugs. Buy BITCOINS instead... .... to then buy drugs. Why? Because buying anything over the internet is more fun, and in this case, potentially as untraceable as the real thing (kind of)!!! "Christian, I'm frightened by things that rhyme with Shitloins." And rightly you should be third party quote meant to simulate an ignorant weiner, but you're here, so shut the fuck up, buckle in, and hear me out.

Bitcoins are digital currency, okay, not so fresh and new, but there are differences. Unlike other digital currencies, Bitcoin avoids centralized issuers, what does this mean? Well it works with peer-to-peer networks to journal the transactions (Like Napster... if you added actual worth and subtracted Lars Ulrich) and incorporates nifty digital signatures and proof of work for basic security.

More coolness, you buy the cute little buggers with your credit card and you save this shit in a wallet file on your PC. Long story short, the government or any other established body, in theory, can not manipulate the quantity of bitcoins in circulation so like, what inflation? Plus, once purchased, whatever you use the actual Bitcoins to buy is (potentially)untraceable. The skinny at this point is that this currency is running (this varies) at about 10USD for a single bitcoin, and though I cannot confirm this, I'm pretty sure the actual currency looks like a coin from Super Mario Bros., which I shouldn't have to explain, is bitchin'.

The interesting thing is that it strips away the tried and true central issuer strategy we've come to understand is simplified thusly: give everyone credit, then big fat economy crash and give no one credit and reel in the actual wealth (house, land, precious metals) of the people who first purchased invisible non existant digital currency from banks in the form of personal loans to purchase said actual wealth to then lose their jobs due to economic crash and then give actual wealth back to those who caused the crash by giving out too much credit. The difference is the central issuers and government bodies don't own or print or distribute Bitcoins. Uh Oh! So now Senators Charles Shumer and Joe Manchin have done some research. The dark side of the Bitcoin trade is DRUGS! Wait, you mean you can use digital currency on the internet to buy actual drugs? Mmhmmm. So Tango and Cash here send out a letter to the "proper government agencies" that goes kind of like this:

"The only method of payment for these illegal purchases is an untraceable peer-to-peer currency known as Bitcoins. After purchasing Bitcoins through an exchange, a user can create an account on Silk Road and start purchasing illegal drugs from individuals around the world and have them delivered to their homes within days."

Within DAYS guys! It's like your unreliable pot dealer just turned into fucking Amazon. I'm not sure about The Black Mafia Families weekend delivery policies, but at least they don't go on strike every few years. (I had Hustlers and T-Shirts in the mail Canada Post, fuck you.) and regardless, the whole point is being able to engage in a full blown felony via internet in a manner that can't be traced back to your VISA.

Edgy stuff. On that note, this week someone who reads 5% Nation of Aphorism asked me: "So are you like trying to be the raw, I don't care and I'll say whatever I want and sound smart guy on your blog?" And though it is Friday, I still don't have a snappy come back, however, if I could, I would most definately pay the Incredible Hulk in bitcoins to kick his ass for saying I'm not raw.

If I had my own website, I'd make you eat it.

Dear 5% Nation,


I am going to go out on a limb here and say I think the establishment rules. I'm serious, and please, hear me out, this isn't even for the sake of playing the Devils advocate, this is just a declarative statement, literally. The establishment rules.


On a side note I want to give a shout out to 'far too modern looking to be this excited about vintage crunch berries teen' for reminding me about the quality, strength and unfathomably universal joy that I, like vintage cereal, bring to quasi latino kids who have a passion for dried, dyed corn products.

"They're kinda-latino-licious!!!"

First, let's have fun identifying the establishment shall we?


What's that you say? Okay Christian, please insert your thought-piston into my cerebral whore-tex and inject me with your hot knowledge? Don't mind if I spew.

          "Oh my god, I never usually blow knowledge into someone so quickly, seriously, that's never happened before."


      The establishment is defined as such in the Legal Dictionary:


Main Entry: es·tab·lish·ment 
Function: noun 
1 :  something established: as a :  a church recognized by law as the official church of a nation or state and supported by civil authority b :  a permanent civil or military organization c :  a place of residence or esp. business with its furnishings and staff 
2 a :  an act of establishing b :  the state of being established


     I think at this point we can assume that "The Establishment" as we know it, is far more concerned with section "1." of the legal definition. Let's look at some of the words used, I'm sure, completely by accident in the LEGAL definition of such a structure.


a: A Church... blah blah blah. Seriously, why not use the mother of all establishments (Or father if your into middle-eastern religion, a mother of all establishments would be nearly useless as well as unrecognizable due to the sweet power burka.)
       
       Okay so flat out, A CHURCH, sure it has to be supported by civil authority, which means what exactly? Well, I'm glad you asked, it is a, well: "a person who exercises authority over civilian affairs." Like, I don't know, a judge.... who is a judicator of law, which is primarily based on religion... Oh look, a self empowering hierarchy, weird, we almost NEVER see those.

"Yeah, yeah he forced drug consumption and he made you face pump his balls and stuff I heard you... y'all read the bible?"

         Right, church and court, bummer. Next is b: (a shocker I know) and it must be less cyclically flawless and preconceived for absolute control right? "b: a permanent civil or military organization". Wow.

Permanent... really? Like... like forever?

           These establishments are like fucking Batman without Joel Schumacher gaying up everything they stand for. I can't believe permanency is actually a condition of establishment, what's wrong with like, a substantially long time, like Tom Hanks' career prior to DiVinci Code.

Remember when I was relevant? Guess how many typewriters I need in the background to look like I have an astute political opinion. The answer is 4.

             So the last LEGAL definition piece is awesomely simple. c : a place of residence or esp. business with its furnishings and staff. This is where I point out that I'm sitting in a chair I bought at Staples (the BUSINESS Depot) and happen to be the proud owner of a wicked savage staff.

                     "We've finalized the Lieberman account, and a fax came in for you from Untunga the Fire God, Sir."

        Bottom line, I'm barred from being an establishment because I am not 1a: A Church, and rarely supported by any civilians, let alone civilians with any authority. And 1b: I am mortal, hence I am not permanent. I know, I know... I'm working on it.

        I guess what I'm trying to say is the establishment rules not because it's big and powerful and permanent and supported by civilian authorities and laws. It isn't because it has a large staff or deliciously Swedish furnishings. Put a few of us well to do self proclaimed intellectuals of the 5% Nation together and we meet most of that criteria anyway. It is because the Establishment makes it impossible by design for us to fulfill ALL criteria, and as such, can at any time, argue our claim for the seats of power, however justified.

       So while I cannot argue they have spun their web with masterful silken butt-strings, there will always be momentary displays of complete lack of touch with the societies in which we live, and, looking back, reminders that they aren't all that powerful at all due to that lack of integral understanding of what makes us tick. Except for this add, this add makes me want to buy slacks like 

nobodies business. Well played establishment, well played.

                                           "Blacksploitation, at least twelve times better when shirtless." 

          In closing, all I can do is rant in Blog world about why I love, and hate you establishment, but if I had a website, a full fledged website with like...pictures of wolves and a sweet hit counter on the bottom, I would have a fighting chance. Then, establishment, like the Crunch Berries so many somewhat mexican kids with poor eyesight get inappropriately excited about, I would make you eat it.

Bonus Entries, comment on this blog if you have any idea what the establishment is even selling with this add:

Good night 5% Nation.