It's Friday, and as is customary for a neurotic atheist on Friday, I'm looking back on my week with that sinking feeling that I am A: Alone in the universe and B: People keep looking at my hair analytically as though it somehow identifies me as a chronic masturbator. It is also customary for me to formulate hip come backs to reciprocate burns I have been subjected to over the course of the week ("Yeah? Well maybe YOU talk like a fucking dictionary too! A dictionary for MORONS!"... no that's not...that's terrible). It also means the weekend is here, heralding ample time to seek out ulcer-inducing space-knowledge (Roaming black holes, yeah, they might swallow the sun, for reals), carelessly buy a new Incredible Hulk graphic novel (and then the Hulk catches the crashing economy, punches it in the face and saves a baby venture capital firm!) and reimplement my devil may care policy to safe sex.
Here's something we should all be doing this weekend with the money we usually use to purchase drugs. Buy BITCOINS instead... .... to then buy drugs. Why? Because buying anything over the internet is more fun, and in this case, potentially as untraceable as the real thing (kind of)!!! "Christian, I'm frightened by things that rhyme with Shitloins." And rightly you should be third party quote meant to simulate an ignorant weiner, but you're here, so shut the fuck up, buckle in, and hear me out.
Bitcoins are digital currency, okay, not so fresh and new, but there are differences. Unlike other digital currencies, Bitcoin avoids centralized issuers, what does this mean? Well it works with peer-to-peer networks to journal the transactions (Like Napster... if you added actual worth and subtracted Lars Ulrich) and incorporates nifty digital signatures and proof of work for basic security.
More coolness, you buy the cute little buggers with your credit card and you save this shit in a wallet file on your PC. Long story short, the government or any other established body, in theory, can not manipulate the quantity of bitcoins in circulation so like, what inflation? Plus, once purchased, whatever you use the actual Bitcoins to buy is (potentially)untraceable. The skinny at this point is that this currency is running (this varies) at about 10USD for a single bitcoin, and though I cannot confirm this, I'm pretty sure the actual currency looks like a coin from Super Mario Bros., which I shouldn't have to explain, is bitchin'.
The interesting thing is that it strips away the tried and true central issuer strategy we've come to understand is simplified thusly: give everyone credit, then big fat economy crash and give no one credit and reel in the actual wealth (house, land, precious metals) of the people who first purchased invisible non existant digital currency from banks in the form of personal loans to purchase said actual wealth to then lose their jobs due to economic crash and then give actual wealth back to those who caused the crash by giving out too much credit. The difference is the central issuers and government bodies don't own or print or distribute Bitcoins. Uh Oh! So now Senators Charles Shumer and Joe Manchin have done some research. The dark side of the Bitcoin trade is DRUGS! Wait, you mean you can use digital currency on the internet to buy actual drugs? Mmhmmm. So Tango and Cash here send out a letter to the "proper government agencies" that goes kind of like this:
"The only method of payment for these illegal purchases is an untraceable peer-to-peer currency known as Bitcoins. After purchasing Bitcoins through an exchange, a user can create an account on Silk Road and start purchasing illegal drugs from individuals around the world and have them delivered to their homes within days."
Within DAYS guys! It's like your unreliable pot dealer just turned into fucking Amazon. I'm not sure about The Black Mafia Families weekend delivery policies, but at least they don't go on strike every few years. (I had Hustlers and T-Shirts in the mail Canada Post, fuck you.) and regardless, the whole point is being able to engage in a full blown felony via internet in a manner that can't be traced back to your VISA.
Edgy stuff. On that note, this week someone who reads 5% Nation of Aphorism asked me: "So are you like trying to be the raw, I don't care and I'll say whatever I want and sound smart guy on your blog?" And though it is Friday, I still don't have a snappy come back, however, if I could, I would most definately pay the Incredible Hulk in bitcoins to kick his ass for saying I'm not raw.
