On Amusement parks, bubble tea and salmonella:

You know what shouldn’t exist; Top ten lists of the most horrifying amusement park accidents.

Accidents aren't particularly amusing and horrifying accidents less so. In a place designed to be fun there should occur exactly zero horrifying accidents. Giant plush bunnies aren't as fun when some kid get’s his face torn off by a rogue tilt-a-whirl.

Seems legit 

What’s really mind mindbogglingly horrendous is all the people Disney has killed. Not Walt himself. Walt didn't kill anyone related to anyone who cared enough to try and prove it in a court of law. The death trap he designed as what I can only assume was some kind of population control machination, however, killed more people than one child hating film producing republican ever could.

Globally I counted around twenty to twenty-seven people. The Manson family killed nine. If I wanted to amuse myself, know who I wouldn't call; the Manson family. So if a place that has killed twenty something people can still be considered an AMUSING place to spend a holiday, then Spahn Ranch must be cornucopia of unimaginable recreational delight.

Pictured Here: Fun.

If a plane crashes I’m usually like, that sucks and there were likely children on board. The primary goal however, was to maintain an elevated and constant form of transit to a different location. Something went wrong like Muslims or a Shatner hating sky Gremlin, or Muslims. Plane goes all crashy and there you have it, a tragedy, but at least the people are placed in cramped seating knowing very well that A. This won’t be fun (unless a flight attendant gives you a beaver shot and free scotch) and B. Dying is a possibility, you’re 25,000 feet above the nearest Starbucks, you should have no misconceptions that this is any safer than it looks. The children you drag along this “magical sky journey” have no illusions about that, either.

An amusement park is different. It’s supposed to be whimsical and wonderful and full of diabetes and men with funny hats. It’s a place where even the pedophiles are just there to enjoy a little cotton candy and have a go on the cosmic zipper. I’m kidding they’re there for the rampant abductions that occur at amusement parks every year. I just want to believe it’s a safe place, a pure place. It’s not my fault, it’s marketed that way, it’s marketed as an amazingly fun and safe place to bring your kids and even if they are sexy as hell, they’ll be safe. Except six flags, six flags flat out show you a terrifyingly spry centenarian who has no reason to be at a six flags except to try and tongue children.

Pictured Here: Fisting into interpretive dance. 

 It’s dangerous as all hell. So if you have caused enough injury and death to have a top ten list of your most mouth gapingly awful incidents, there is nothing amusing about your general lay out. I know I said earlier that accidents aren't amusing, but that isn't entirely true. My son is three and half or… something, and when he leaks in his shorts, we refer to that as an accident. It’s a non threatening way to talk about being incontinent and assumes he isn't doing it on purpose. That can happen to adults too, the accident thing, if you catch the flu or gobble down some bad chicken.

Chicken is kind of scary anyway, just because it comes from an animal that can live for eighteen months without a head. It’s also scary because of Salmonella. Ever wanted to lose control of your bowels and crap blood at a white power rally? Salmonella has you covered. Those kinds of accidents are horrifying to adults, and they are thoroughly amusing.

These guys are obviously too academic to appreciate toilet humor anyway. 

If you look at Salmonella under a microscope, it looks like little turds that Spider-Man webbed together inside you. Like everything else from that era, Salmonella was an underachieving slacker in the nineties. It caused two hundred and four hospitalizations, sure, but only four deaths? That’s less than one fifth of the amount of tragedies caused by a magical place of joy and innocence incarnate. That’s less than half the deaths caused by the Manson’s, who we already proved were pussies because Mickey Mouse killed more people than they could.

Pictured Here: Little turds that Spider-Man webbed together inside you.  

So Disneyland beats the Manson Family, but Salmonella is used to kill cancerous cells, which Walt Disney was full off, so Salmonella beats Disney, but the Manson’s killed more people than Salmonella and have stronger immune systems than cancer ridden Walt Disney. It’s like Rock, paper, scissors but with a bacterium that causes rampant nausea and bowel explosions, a psychotic cult that carved up Roman Polanski’s wife and a malevolent corporation hell bent on luring children into a veritable killing field.  Anyone up for a game of Walt, pooper, sinners?

That was probably in bad taste. You know what else is in bad taste, bubble tea. Bubble tea is something you need to be comfortable with if you want to plow Asian girls. They love them some bubble tea. So it’s tea, right, but in the tea, there are these little bubbles of tapioca or whatever and that’s about it.  There are about as many flavors of bubble tea as there are Asian people, they range from “mocha cantaloupe” to “bald winter tire” and they were crazy trendy thirteen years ago, so to me, they are super trendy now. When it comes to being “with it” I’m like the human equivalent of Slovakia.

Pictured Here: "With it."

So you need this huge straw. Anything that you can’t fit your penis in is too small. This is to allow the MAGNIFICENT CHOKING HAZARD TAPIOCA BUBBLES to fly down your throat at fifty miles an hour and kill you. That’s a serious risk, as in; there is a documented controversy about bringing this stuff to the states because of how easily this stuff could choke the holy ghost out of you. Students have been hospitalized after choking on these death bubbles, and the tapioca pearls themselves may contain cancer-causing chemicals according to a bunch of Nazi kraut scientists in 2012. You know what we North-Americans said to that; if it’s proven to score Asians chicks, I don’t care if it’s made out of hell fire and devil farts, bring it here.

Ooooooooh Baby! 

Try and find something that doesn’t kill you, from amusement parks to various oriental tea derivatives. It can’t be done. Everything in our society is toxic. So basically bone as many Filipinos as you can because something you thought was totally fun and safe will eventually unceremoniously kill you regardless of whether or not you met your personal quota for Asian poon in this lifetime.