So it's E3 time which means I get to argue with all my friends and pretend I'm not personally offended by their tastes in completely virtual things that shouldn't matter in real life.
"Hey Howard, tell your mom I won't be able to breach her partition drive tonight, I'll be pre-ordering an XBOX One.
Just kidding, I would never buy an XBOX One, I'll be there at ten."
Sometimes one of them will say something stupid like: "Everyone has their own preferences." Can you believe that? Everyone doesn't have their own preferences, some things are universal. Like Polio. Are you pro-polio you dumb shit? No you're anti-polio, just like everyone else, because polio sucks seven shades of infected bulldog dick.
Do the Polio!
Just like XBOX One, but XBOX One can only manage one shade of dick at a time and you have to be connected to the internet to suck it. You also can't share additional shades of dick with your friends.
It's already getting old, you know, taking a big steaming dump on Microsoft for what can only be described as one of the most WTF moments in console history. I get the impression they aren't entirely sure what they're trying to accomplish either.
"What is this I don't even...."
That's the painful part, they seem to just wheel this brick-like television box out like the Christopher Reeve version of console gaming except with less of the features you want and no stem cell research.
See if the XBOX One let you watch television AND do stem cell research, I'd be like, now there's a piece of shit I will never buy BUT has the future of health care as a priority. But let's not debate who's pro stem cell research and who's an idiot, let's stick to the facts.
Let's leave that judgement call to the socially and morally responsible scientists.
Some things are not based subjectively on someones tastes. That's my point. The same goes for the other end of the spectrum; orgasms. Who the fuck is anti-orgasm? No one. We cured polio because it was objectively shitty, just like the flu or being paralyzed or the XBOX One.
Okay so let's not waste any time on what the other companies are doing and rest assured it's summed up as "not shitting the bed". Now some things are forever; like diamonds, herpes or how Mario games are always good. Sony undercutting Microsoft by $100.00 was like that moment in Casino where Joe Pesci stabs that guy in the neck with a pen at the bar.
"Dance you piece of shit!"
Aside from that I just wish E3 contained more nudity and less rap. Or Hip-Hop. See, I don't know what the hell is what? I have absolutely no idea what the difference is. Is hip-hop a kind of rap? is rap a kind of hip-hop? What the fuck is Beyoncé doing then?
Put a ring on it, indeed.
I've never understood that scene. This is likely because I'm Caucasian and committed to accepting that I'll never be fresh. I know I once slipped on some olive oil that spilled off my counter, grabbed my cock and balls before doing this awkward little Russian dance-walk until I managed to stand again with significant back pain.
He's Putin down moves, sick like Chernobyl, comrade!
I was later informed that was "krumping". People in the hip-hop break dancing scene or whatever do it. On purpose. Which both confuses and intimidates me because based on my experience, friends, "krumping" almost ripped my dick in half and gave me sciatica.
No Giants sitting on Stonehenge and Shitting out Rave Parties in this Area
So if people krump and break it down to hip-hop, and rap is gangsta, then rap must be fucking hardcore. That makes sense right? Like, Biggie and Tupac, they did rap... right? I'm pretty sure it wasn't hip-hop just because I can't see Biggie Smalls doing the Figure 4.
"AWW HELL NAW."
If that's the case though, does Drake rap? Because I'm pretty sure Drake was the wheel chair kid from the God awful Degrassi High reboot and that is NOT gangster. Or gangsta. I have a white friend who does this weird combination of walking in place and hopping. I think it's supposed to be a "shuffle" or something. Every time he does it, our friendship diminishes, I want to tell him, but he seems really focused, and I don't want people to know we're associated.
White People!!!
I don't want to feel that way about the E3 conference, that much hip-hop... or... rap... Is uncomfortable. Like a white guy doing "krumping", or a friendship slowly dying from the fallout of really, really awkward dance moves. The veritable Hiroshima of social comfort.
You just had to do the shuffle, didn't you, John.
Speaking of social comfort, I've been unable to have any of it since Edward Snowden explained in no uncertain terms that the NSA is watching me masturbate and listening to me yell at my friends mother over the phone. Not at the same time, obviously. Except now, if I did jerk it and yell at Cody's mom simultaneously, the NSA would TOTALLY know about it.
*FAP FAP* I downloaded that *FAP* movie you w-w-wanted..MmmmmMrs. DOOOOOGAAAA! *FAP FAP*
They could peg me as a threat to the national security of mothers everywhere, plaster my face across CNN and invent a new security advisory system colour just for me. Code Violet, because it sounds like an innocent old lady's name and like "violate" all at once. Now, every time someone, somewhere pulls his pud to someone else's mom, the terrorists win.
I win.
Unacceptable! I wonder what's going to happen to Edward Snowden now. I'm sure somehow what he did is the right thing, but feels like he blurted out and confirmed what everyone kind of already knew. It's like when someone passes gas silently at a funeral and no one want's to say anything.
Best discount funeral EVAR!
I mean, we know it's shit, but at least it's not done in a noisy or obvious way, but then some would-be hero has to start with: "No, no... That's not right, this is a funeral, that's disgusting, we have rights! Don't you have any respect, that's horrible, just horrible!" That person may be saying what everyone else is thinking, but he's also making half the people laugh nervously, and the other half cry harder.
ACTING LEVEL: EYE-DROPS
Trust me, all you can do at that point is krump the fuck out of there. America must feel like that now; all Code Violet and in mourning at their freedom funeral. Edward had to krump all the way to Hong Kong, where there is no hip-hop, or rap... Which wouldn't be so bad except there's no Beyoncé either and he can't watch E3 on the restrictive Chinese government internet servers.
The massive restrictions of Chinese censorship, still better than XBOX One.
