So I went to view Man of Steel at an actual theater which is something I reserve for very special occasions. I don't want to pay $163.95 for anything less than an aggressive Star Wars themed hand job from a female custodian with baby soft palms and REAL butter popcorn. Not the oily refuse that comes out like tears from a severely dehydrated Asian orphan. The Man of Steel was one such occasion. I even went with other people, which I typically don't like doing because surround sound makes me nervous and I'm a biter.
Before I even let the fan boys angrily wander into the imaginary territory where I must have "missed something" or didn't "understand the depth", I'll elaborate on a few things. I am a tremendous comic book geek, I wanted a good Superman movie as bad as I want to have commitment-less intercourse with an ethnic melting pot of supermodels, and yes, I saw this film with ALL the trimmings. We're talking the vibrating seats with the incredible surround sound experience. The concave wrap-around screen with such a high frame rate you can see your future self shitting your pants in real time and yes, I saw it in 4D, because when people say 3D, I give them a horrified look, pat them down and scream: "Jesus Christ are you okay? What was it like to exist without the dimension of time?!?". That's another reason I don't go to the theater with people.
No, we don't, shut your fat whore-mouth, Ellen.
but somehow, with all the hype, this film making me angry at all is blasphemous. Before I break it down, I want to convey that I REALLY wanted to like this movie. The same way black people REALLY wanted O.J. to walk. Maybe even more. Yes, definitely more. Let's break it down in a list of Pros and Cons because full reviews are boring and hopefully I'll find my pants and get sober enough to make a video review this weekend. (5% Nation of Aphorism - YouTube)
- The Cast
We are treated to a great cast in the vein of the Dark Knight trilogy, except worse. The thought is there though, which I can appreciate. You get Waterworld Merman (Kevin Costner), Aussie Rage (Russell Crowe), Fat Morpheus (Lawrence Fishburne) and Young Body with Old Lady Face (Diane Lane). We all know we get Henry Cavill as Superman, who's sole purpose in life is to stop your girlfriend from climaxing with you and Michael Shannon, who's absolutely amazing in every film except this one. Still, that's a cast and a half, and we forget that sometimes because we've been spoiled lately with great casts in comic book films. There was a time when all we had was Toby McGuire kissing Shovel Face with Boobs upside down.
"Hahahaha, I know right? I can't believe this is a movie either!"
Oh, I forgot to mention Boring Redhead. Precisely because Amy Adams' presence in the cast wasn't a "pro". She delivered terrible lines with no merit and she wasn't sexy, she honestly looked like a divorcee recovering from an eating disorder and her third abortion. To be fair that's likely because she was being compared to Henry "Drano for your vagina" Cavill.
- More Krypton
Granted, Krypton was weird, which isn't necessarily what I wanted, but it isn't what I didn't want either and because it was different, I was pleased. I will say this: It seems like Snyder looked at every popular science fiction film of the last 20 years and just made a collage of success. He did it in a seamless, idiot savant sort of way so I wasn't bored enough to masturbate in public. It combined Geiger-esque bio-mechanical living building crap, Matrix-like thunderous bubble-babies, Avengers style large scale alien invasion combat and Riddick-style dark imperial bone armor.
Well, the scowl is ... almost different... I guess.
There was one "what in the hot dick" moment during the destruction of Krypton where Russell Crowe flies away on a mutated dragon-fly vulture puppy or something, and then goes deep sea diving into a puddle on a rock tree to find a broken monkey skull in the underground baby breeding pools so... ... ... Yeeeeaaaaah.
The rest of it was more than forgivable and had a lot of new material, and overly decent special effects.
- Flashback Origin Story
I was taken off guard when this started, because the idea that Superman's childhood being so traumatic that he has constant flashbacks made me think maybe Pa Kent took little Clark out to the shed for more than yard work. I quickly realized that even Dances with Wolves couldn't force young Supes into a round of barnyard bumming, and decided to wait and see what Snyder was trying to do with all these misty water-colored memories. Turns out, saving me an ass-load of time because I already know all this crap. Once I got used to it and realized the entire origin story (barring Krypton) was in flashbacks, I was oddly okay with this.
- Punching Action
Ever since I saw the first Superman, with fully erect Reeve action, and drunk Marlon Brando pronouncing Krypton improperly and glowing like the offspring of an Italian with a speech impediment and a lava lamp, that's what I wanted to see. Even though the sixties and seventies were less about violence and more about everyone acting a bit racist, I still wanted to see Superman punch someone. It kind of happens in the original films, but it's all bananas. Like when Kirk does an overhand axe-punch or a half assed judo flip. Watching combat choreography in the US in prior to the new millennium is worse than that stand-alone Friends spin-off "Joey". Seriously, screw Matt LeBlanc.
"Aaaaaadriiiiiaaaaaannnnnn!"
This was the greatest thing about the movie. See something, then watch Superman punch it. See someone? Watch Superman punch that someone. See a satellite? Fuck satellites, Superman takes something and hits someone with that something into a fucking satellite.
- The alien Invasion is actually menacing
Unlike in Avengers, where the alien invaders somehow manage to be less intimidating than a mentally challenged fifth grader squeezing your wrist with retard strength while sucking on a glue stick...
Thank you, thank you.
the Kryptonians are actually menacing. The invasion takes very little time, based on the sheer scale of destruction, I have to assume millions perish in the onslaught, and they literally spit roast our planet. They use massive spaceships to fully dick-pound earth into a seismic seizure. The Kryptonians go MMF threesome on mother earth and immediately start terra forming her loins. Superman is obviously the only thing on this planet that can stop them because he is one of them. It's simple, it's an epic-ally large scale threat, and it works.
- Superman straight up kills a dude
Yeah, for real. Some people are going to piss and moan about this, I think it's great. The greatest icon in history, the Christ symbol himself, the boy scout, big blue, the morally infallible Superman is a fucking murderer. How great is that? He roars about it too, not cries, not mumbles or is all like... "what have I done?". He's enraged, he roars like a big dicked space lion and then like, invades Lois Lanes mouth around a sea of corpses after breaking Zods god damned neck. And like three days later he's all smiley and being a jerk to military drones and getting soldier chicks to splosh all over the inside of their fatigues.
*SPPPPLLLLLLOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHHHH*
- Lois Lane and the Lois-Clark connection
Let me just say I don't hate Amy Adams, in the right light and with low enough self-esteem I'd munch her out. In this film, it felt like she just transposed a boring version of herself from "The Fighter". She came across as unattractive the entire time, her humorous attempts fell flat, she said things and took chances that made no sense and she somehow had "Superman detection" and was always popping up anywhere he was like every overly attached ex-girlfriend you've ever had. She was completely unnecessary They also pushed along the evolution of Clark and Lois' interests way too much. Lois couldn't have fallen in love with Supes quicker she'd just gacked up thirteen lines of Colombian cocaine and he'd proposed with a diamond the size of John Travolta's head while wearing a tuxedo made of Ryan Gosling.
"Oh ma' gawd, diamonds, Oh ma' gawd."
She also literally calls Superman "Clark" within ear shot of three police officers when she arrives on the Kent's farm for NO CONCEIVABLE REASON. For shame, Lois, for shame.
- Tornado Dad
So, Pa Kent get's eaten by a tornado, and is presumably sent to a far away land where Waterworld didn't suck. I understand what they tried to do here, but Kevin Costner did a phenomenal job with creating an interesting tone and character in Pa Kent (Which Diane Lane decidedly did NOT with Ma "just breathing should be enough" Kent.) Somehow though, Snyder decides to take you from a series of touching flashbacks and painstaking developmental back-story to an angry non-conformist Clark whining "You're not even my REAL dad!"
"Well, you're not.... whatever... where are the pizza pockets?"
and ham-fistingly fast forwards to a Tornado that kills Pa Kent. It's supposed to symbolize Clark trusting his father and the guilt and blah blah with great power comes great teen-aged angst and all that. All it did for me was leave me thinking; what the eff, dude. Even if Clark ran at "normal" speed, he could have saved Pa Kent by subtly using his super-strength. He already saved a fucking bus full of children and showed everyone he was a Lou Ferrigno reborn, who cares?
"I SAID WHERE ARE THE FUCKING PIZZA POCKETS?!"
- Jor-El is Everywhere
Dad 1, Russell Crowe, like Tornado-face dad, had a great high level performance in this film, but he's there ALL THE TIME. It's hard for me to give a shit about your dead dad (or like, first dead dad, or whatever) When he just pops in to talk to you like, you know, whenever.
"'Sup, did you find the pizza pockets?"
He even saves Superman's ugly girlfriend, dude. I found myself asking: is this movie about Superman or Jor-El's computer space ghost? Russell Crowe was severely overused, and Kevin Cost-balls was severely underused and it just felt wrong.
- Henry Cavill is trying to make me gay
That's literally all I can say about that.
- Makes a great actor just OK
I don't know how they did it, but they made Michael Shannon stand out LESS than "random military guy who fights Feora" in this film.
Who the fuck is this, anyway?
He get's less screen time than I would have expected and I don't know if it's bad writing or bad directing or a mid-production Nolan-sized stroke, but Shannon was actually slightly campy at times. I couldn't believe it. Let's be straight, good 'ol "Pug-eyes" Shannon is still really good, but I think that's because HE'S REALLY GOOD. Zod on the other hand was bland, and again, they Usain Bolt'd the shit out of his character progression.
"You say origin story, Usain say plot summary."
- Pacing
The Achilles heel of this movie is really the pacing. Lois ovulates too quickly, Zod get's passed earth-tardation within a minute of combat, despite having been crippled by it thirty minutes earlier. You just start understanding Clark and Pa Kent's relationship and then a tornado eats him.
"Tell you what son, we're having such deep and meaningful progression in our father son relationship lately, let's go for a trip to Tornado Coast, I'm feeling so good, let's not even check the weather forecast."
Within minutes of discovering his heritage, Superman wears a metro-sexual jumpsuit and tries to fly for the fuck of it. Heat vision is never explained. This is because developing his abilities don't even get a shitty Stallone montage, we are expected to just accept that the entire premise of this film is to freight train us to the point we get to watch Superman punch the shit out of Kryptonians, space ships, robots, buildings, satellites and virginity.
Take that, virginity!
All in all, I liked this movie. A lot. I will watch it again, except really high and with tights on. I'm expecting to have a video up for an angry discussion with the people I actually saw this film with before next week, so stay posted and go see it for yourself or fuck you.
