Greek Mythology, the new choice for Canadian quasi-political religious zealots.

This Tuesday, though I had a whole deuce-load of weekend contemplate events and add avant-garde commentary to these occurrences, I’ll be getting my thoughts out there as quickly as possible, just like Zsa Zsa Gabor should do. (According to the 2011 celebrity death list, anyway.)

"Buy things from old Navy, Nwah!" (that was her right?)

Let's start with some mature themed monologue to celebrate things that old people care about, but then twist the topic ridiculously to make them angry. I have a great deal of respect for the people currently implicated in Canadian politics, for two reasons. The first reason is how tremendously boring Canadian politics manages to be. The second reason is how confusing Canadian politics manages to be. Plus our hot topics suck: Harper takes piss, misses group picture at G20. Whatever. Congressman Anthony Weiner tweets photos of his wiener. Come on! Harpers penis keeps him out of a picture, Weiner can't stop sending pictures of his.

That really says it all when comparing the disparity in entertainment value of the two systems. The other thing is if I were in Canadian politics, I wouldn't have a sweet fucking clue about where to stand on religion. Are we still primarily Catholic? Is that still a thing? Catholics? Or did they merge with Baptists and become the Progressive Catholics (conservative/catholic comparison humor.)? In the states if you aren't Christian, you're likely not a very successful politician…… AND A TERRORIST!!! Not in Canada, in Canada we typically don't ask about all that spiritual stuff until you've deepened the deficit. "Yeah, we're totally more in debt than we were when that other guy was in office... did anyone even check if he was religious? Ah man... we really messed up." Booooring!

So here's what we do, because as Canadians a dual party system is way too American to ever be implemented, and dictatorship always has that risk of becoming dangerously Stalin-rific,

“I make funny face like this, and zen children come, and zen I spit zee poison in their faces!!!”

we need add a little spice to a system that already has an abundance of choices. Normally I'm a huge supporter of not creating conflict where there is none (kind of) but Canadian politics is like eating bran flakes in powdered milk with a cardboard spoon (bland, I mean it's bland.) so since we like choices so much (even though statistically we don’t actually vote) let's add those choices to our religious choices and mix that in with our 132 opposing yet equal views in a six party political system. Plus, monotheism is sooooooooo American.

Back to the classics I say, Greek Mythology. That way, I can say that I'm a right-wing liberal with green party ties, but I worship Zeus while being an Apollo enthusiast. Talk about choices AND enough point/counter-point angles to get people to fight (or as Canadians, politely disagree) with each other all day long. Plus, our politicians can easily be compared to some of the great figures of Greek myth, observe! Also keep in mind these are all actual quotes, seriously.

   

HADES (HARPER) LORD OF THE UNDERWORLD

"If Ottawa giveth, then Ottawa can Taketh away!"

He’s the evil ruler of the Conservative Party, in power and hated by all, doesn’t play well with others and is about as charismatic as an AIDS infested open sore.

 

ADONIS (LAYTON) MR. POPULAR! (At least for now.)

“What we need to do is stand up for ourselves when we're unfairly treated.”*

It seems by opinion of the younger voters; he's hip at the moment. Also, has an incredible, harmless smile. So harmless that I think he does it on purpose so when you least expect it, BAM! Rufi, and then he goes all “Rapin’ Jack Layton” on you.

PERSEPHONE (ELIZABETH MAY) GODDESS OF SPRING!

“We will raise holy hell!”*

So remember Persephone, what happens is once every 6 months Persephone is banished to the Underworld as a punishment to her mother (I think), then comes back for the next 6 months (signifying spring, yadda yadda yadda). In this case it’s kind of the same, Liz here isn’t allowed to take part in the debate, and then later, she shows up as a candidate anyway except in this case just signifying inevitable failure at the polls. Trees can’t vote, silly Liz.

POSEIDON (DUCEPPE) GOD OF THE SEAS!

“I went around Quebec saying the same thing I just said to you, and I see no opposition at all,”*

Old, intense and somehow thought he had a say in everything even though he really only spoke for Quebec just like Poseidon butting in on the affairs of men when really he only controlled the fucking dolphins. Aside from that, mostly the comparison is just because of this picture which is just amazingly ridiculous. "Nom nom nom I am the Kraken nom nom nom!"

NOBODY (IGNATIEFF) WHICH WAS PROVEN IN THE ELECTION.

“I spent five years in the United States. I admire and respect American institutions.”*

Pissed off because he's as popular as VD and now spending an additional 5 years in America to do more admiring and respecting of their institutions. Way to connect with the Canadian people Iggy, by rambling on about America.

            Now, we can pray the way we vote (or statistically don’t vote)! Saturated with choices of representatives of such obscurely narrow portfolios and dogmas that they all represent a fraction of the 27.98% of Canadians that actually get off their Canadian bacon and vote. The purely Canadian opinion that no political party aptly represents the vast complexity of the collective Canadian belief system: “Yeah I’m liberal, but I’m not THAT kind of liberal, I’m too financially conscious to go NDP but I can’t get behind the Liberal platform and I lost my bong so I’d feel like a poseur voting Green Party.” can now be turned into its religious equivalent. That’s important, because if we make religion as complicated and ridiculously expansive as our political system, people might, I don’t know, lose interest in religion all together the same way they have in politics. Here’s hoping!