Hey kids, ever wanted a game in which you can be a crazy anti-semitic alcoholic shithead in a future post-apocalyptic NASCAR themed world full of midgets and Tina Turner?!
The Future
No? Well fuck you because Avalanche studios is making one anyway. Don't worry though, apparently Mel Gibson's iconic dick thumping, racist mechanic won't be stuck with that stupid authentic Australian accent. That's right, Avalanche decided that they weren't going to sully their twisted metal rip-off with any super homo foreign accents. Instead, he's going to sound just like Solid Snake, or Commander Sheppard, or any other archetypal tough white guy from any other video game. Thank God, we almost had a movie-based video game that wasn't a potato faced abortion. Don't believe me? Play the Charlie's Angels game, its like being uppercut in the dick with you childhood dreams.
Shoryuken!
Without having that Australian element in the game, I'm sure it's basically Fallout with Halo mechanics and Asperger's syndrome. Fallout didn't even HAVE a vocal aspect of your character, it did however have gamer created mods for realistic drug use and graphic polygonal fellatio. Also, they make sure to mention the lack of accent is because technically I guess you're not playing Mel "Auschwitz Lager" Gibson in this "game".
"NO! Keep whipping him, I'll tell you when to cut you little son of a bitch PASSION OF THE CHRIIIIISSSSTTT!!!"
No, that would be too close to what the title of the game glaringly insinuates.You're just a generic North American asshole in the Australian outback. An unforgiving place filled with sheet-metal dune buggies and massive plot holes.
"Look out for the giant plot... holes... guys... Great, good job."
The chances of this game not sucking are about the same as the statistical probability that a meteor made of galactic sausage will hit George Takei and turn him straight. I'm willing to bet the game is filled with subliminal
pictures of Mel Gibson milking a lactating Adele onto a pentagram or something.
Moo.
If it was about milking Adele's udders, I would buy the shit out of that game. I mean I would pirate it, because I pull in a barely working class income and I'm lazy. I'm so lazy that I watch porn on Tumblr. I'm desensitized enough that the gaping butt holes don't even bother me that much anymore. There's a lot of butt hole gaping pictures on Tumblr, that, and .gifs of weak ejaculation. Which I have difficulty ejaculating to.
There was a time when people has to pay a six pence at an old timey caravan on the outskirts of town to see the kind of questionably sexual material found on Tumblr. I'm glad those days are gone because carnies make my wang turtle up like an alien navel being eaten by a hairless mole rat. Which is likely also something you can find on Tumblr.
DTF
You know you hit a low point in your sex life when you can achieve orgasm by fist-stroking yourself to a 3 second .gif of a bimbo spitting on a cats face.
Dude, seriously, what the fuck?
I always wondered why there is any porn at all on Tumblr. The internet took porn from the creepy basements and brown paper bags to the number one destination in the world. The most advanced communication system ever developed in the history of mankind is a giant boob-gina machine.
The Internet
I feel like Tumblr takes it further though. It's like: "Hey, do you approve of what I'm masturbating to regularly? Stick around, more of what I pull my pud or punch my pink power ranger to in the next ten minutes!" It's like the Cole's notes version of someones fap-diary. It's condensed and horrifyingly accurate. It doesn't just feel like you're spanking it, it's like you're spanking it WITH the person that owns the Tumblr. Which in most cases is a morbidly obese, microwave popcorn enthusiast with bad eyesight and stubby, sweaty little piglet fingers dancing across the keyboard with lust fueled aggression.
Holy shit, George R.R. Martin has a porn Tumblr?!
Yeah, you're fapping with THAT guy. Awesome. Kind of makes you feel like an asshole, right?
Speaking of assholes, guess what Harper did. He went to Ireland. It's bad enough that we couldn't hide our stiff twat of a Prime Minister from the jolly Emerald Isle, which is embarrassing, but while he was there, he was the most insensitive piece of cowboy hat wearing shit you can imagine.
SWAG.
So Prime Minister Turdbot 2013 goes to Ireland presumably to be the second Canadian Prime Minister to address the British Parliament (That's right, this is the SECOND time those skew-toothed Limey's treat us like an actual country instead of a backwater bacon colony) and well... He essentially just got drunk.
Look how tiny that pint looks next to Harper's fat, inflated rat-face.
That's not the thing though, the thing is, the hot topic in Ireland right now? cirrhosis of the liver is at crisis levels among the youth and professionals in Ireland. We're talking to a point where the government is as concerned as any plastered Patty politician can be.
Which, according to this picture of Irish politician Brian Cowen, is not very.
This is especially a problem for women, who, according to Irish doctors, are dropping like freckled, jaundiced flies over there. So you know, women still can't hold their liquor. That fundamental fact notwithstanding though, Harper spent the three days he was there with Guinness brewery representatives, like, the ENTIRE time. Basically rubbing alcohol abuse in the faces of every single Irish official he could chug a pint in front of. He even tweeted about it... Which probably doesn't matter because if you follow Stephen Harper's twitter for any other reason, you're a fucking idiot.
Going through a secret passageway at Farmleigh. For you Clue fans it's in the study, with the candlestick. http://ow.ly/m5fil
Hurr hurr... Oh Stephen, you ridiculously unfunny piece of sterilized shit...
The bottom line is, our Prime Minister is Darth Vader with no force powers, social etiquette or personality. I know I'll be giving myself cirrhosis just getting through enough of this Mad Max game to get so bored that I take a break to see what you're jerking off to on Tumblr and creepily join you.
See you there...
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