If I was Rob Fords consultant: 3 flawless strategies to avoid all this crack business.

1. Re-enact the entire plot of Fight Club.


It's the quintessential split personality defense. The jovial, round cheeked, Winny the Pooh-esque Rob Ford we all know as a harmless public official and the same crack smoking shit head with the maniacal laugh and a bad case of vertigo are not the same man. This does two very important things. One, it takes all responsibility away from the public, which is important, no one wants to be responsible for voting in a glass pipe rock-star. The good people of Toronto didn't vote for a junkie, they voted for a happy, humorous man that looks like John Goodman ate Sting and then proceeded to get a face lift. Also, the vertigo:



The second important thing is that deep inside the creases and folds of that glistening buttery face is a dark secret. Tyler fucking Durden. Well, a shitty Michelin Man version of Brad Pitt or whatever, you get the point. He's evil, he's like a diabolical diabetic devil that guides Rob Fords humpty-dumpty rumpty when he "loses time" like the priest killing molestariffic altar boy in Primal Fear (also Edward Norton!). The media would of course ask: "But Rob, why didn't you just tell us that your psychotic, shattered psyche split into an evil Anti-Ford that smokes crack and hates Canada?" and he would answer: "What's the first rule of Fight Club, BITCH?!"

That's why! The first rule of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club! That was even the second rule, I think. The man Toronto voted for didn't smoke crack, his crazy, hipster split personality did, just like in Fight Club! Then all he has to do is kill Tyler Durden-esque Anti-Rob by shooting himself in the fucking face like at the end of the movie. The risks are a little elevated sure, but come on, who could even think about scandal? No one. Not when the mayor gurgles out 'I am Jack's raging hypertension' and the blood shoots seven feet into the air out of his neck and lower cheek area. People will forget all about the Rock-Ford files when he suffers a massive head wound. There's nothing worse than a massive head wound.

Oh. Okay.

2. Start a rivalry with Eminem.

If you go gangster, go all the way gangster. The next time Raw Beefy to the Heezy Ford-Dogg comes out of his office, he straight up smacks a bitch. I mean we literally hire a prostitute for him to physically assault with those big memorial day ham fists. We're talking all the bling the lax Canadian fracking laws can afford, a hand carved First Nation's People pimp cane, and a hat made out of David Suzuki.

This isn't even David Suzuki Hats final form!

He comes out of his office, punches a whore in the teeth, looks directly into the camera and calls Eminem a little punk ass bitch before ripping his shirt off and rubbing peyote on his nipples. He then busts a rhyme about how crack is whack, pantomimes jerking off on the unconscious hooker and drops the mic for flavor.

He dances too. A Lot.

 

He goes underground, like total covert. His administration keeps silent about his whereabouts but address public concerns professionally and use words like 'getting', 'he', 'help', 'the' and 'needs', casually sprinkling in the words 'detox' and 'burnout' for effect. Suddenly, a week later, Rob Ford is in Detroit and publicly challenges Eminem to a throw a down at Osborn High School. He then proceeds to eat an actual homeless man and again rubs peyote on his nipples (this will become his trademark move).

Eminems Old High School, it didn't always look this good...

That's mostly what I have so far, it's a shock value thing. I know that the end-game intention is to somehow frame Eminem. Ford is deemed unaccountable for all the aforementioned bat shit crazy behavior by having CSIS release doctored photos and texts that clearly incriminate Marshall Mathers for drugging, brainwashing and subsequently mind-controlling Rob Ford right into the thug life. So you know, Eminem get's bum-shanked in jail and Rob Ford is totally acquitted. 

That or Eminem hires Wu-Tang Clan to shoot Rob Ford in the penis and tits. Whatever, either way everybody forgets about the crack.

3. Build a Giant Nicolas Cage Robot that terrorizes Toronto and can only be stopped by Rob Ford.

Quick, what do you hate more, crack or Nicolas Cage? Did you say crack? If you did; Ghost Rider 2. Okay now we're all on the same page. Nicolas Cage is worse than crack. A giant Nicolas Cage death-robot that shoots lasers and shits out copies of 'Wicker Man' is worse than all the crack. Like any proper political spin involving colossal mechanical actors laying waste to a densely populated city, you work in phases. You also need specialists. That's where the students of the University of Western Ontario's Robotics and Control program come into play. We hire these fertile young minds to design all the parts of Cage-o-Coppola 2000 separately (because, we've all seen movies, right?). We code name the project 'masters degree'.

Yaaaaay... We can focus and do a good job because no one here is attractive.

Then we need to build the thing. So you know, Taiwan. That's all I have for that. Oh, and we pay them in crack. Put it all together with... science... and BAM! Unleash it on downtown Toronto.



Do you think anyone is going to be like: 'Why won't you just tell us whether you smoked crack mayor guy?" No. They're going to be like: "That thirty foot tall asshole from Leaving Las Vegas just melted my Toyota into a vagina shaped pile of metal!" or "Everything is about Nicolas Cage is horrifying and my eyes are on fire!" or even: "Whoever designed this death-robot did an amazing job, it has considerably more emotional range than the actor it's based on!"


Oh I forgot to mention we program it to only respond to Rob Fords voice and obey his commands. Once Rob is good and cracked the fuck out, we send him out in spandex with a cape, a chainsaw, a fanny pack and a small pouch of Babybel's (in case he get's hungry) and have him use the shut down command on Cage-o-Coppola, who instantly explodes into a massive cloud of white smoke. I forgot to mention we pack the damn thing full of crack and make it self destruct when Rob gives the command. Man I'm really bad at this. Anyway, Rob Ford is now a fucking super hero. Also everyone is Toronto is addicted to rock so, they can't really judge him




No matter how much of a fat crack smoking idiot he is.