On NyQuil finally admitting it’s drugs and how Sublime is better on it:

NyQuil is my favorite product. First off it comes in both pill and liquid form. I’m not sure if you can smoke NyQuil. If you could smoke NyQuil, I would because I think it would look cooler than having to down half a bottle of the shit at a Wendy’s drive through on Good Friday in 2004 because of government regulated liquor stores. If NyQuil came out of Kobe Bryant’s rape-y dick I would suckle that ebony Philadelphia python well into the third millennium.

Yeah white boy! git yo coff syrup on. Kobe got'chu. Yeeeaaaah. 

So I’m watching YouTube. It’s this internet thing you may be familiar with, and I see this NyQuil commercial. I’m thinking: yeah, let’s see that fat dude with the runny nose get high as balls on strong ass cough syrup and not fuck his wife. I settle in and crack my knuckles because I love the mean, green N to the Q. I love it so much that just watching someone else taking it makes me pants-happy.

                 

 Yaaaaay...NyQuil Boner!

It also makes me giddy because the super villains at Procter and Gamble just will not admit that no one takes their product for anything but to forget about their depressing job and fat, stupid kids and just go the fuck to sleep. They know. They know people are abusing NyQuil worse than those monkeys abused Priscilla Boyd in the cross species scenes they never released in Planet of the Apes.

"Hey, weren't those gorillas wearing pants a few seconds ago...?"

It’s the big green stoned elephant in the room that the folks at Vick’s never talk about. There I am waiting for the delicious unapologetic, veiled advert for a legal narcotic. I’m waiting for that pure marketing omission to peddle suburban middle class crack. Then something magical happened. The megalomaniacs at Proctor and Gamble were like; fuck it, its drugs.

"Proctor and Gamble, The Guild of Fucking Assholes applauds your honesty."  

They revealed: ZzzQuil

Now it wasn't a raw truth the way the movie “Kids” was about aids infected children humping. They beat around the bush a little bit. Still, you know they just finally gave up the charade. They took out a big verdant mirror in which your reflection stared back at you through the void and said: “Here you hypocrite, here’s the truth, you didn't have a fucking cold you piece of shit. You took NyQuil to get a buzz on without suffering an anxiety attack because you’re too old to party.”

"Let's party like it's-...I just shit my pants."

They very clearly both say AND print across the screen NOT FOR COLDS. NOT FOR PAIN. JUST FOR SLEEP. While they do this, a montage of exclusively white people in their forties flashes across the screen. It’s just middle aged Caucasians sleeping so fucking hard that they snore and drool and essentially look like they suffered massive concussions right after having a series of explosive orgasms.

 white people partying!

Truthfully I was a little disappointed. Now that there is ZzzQuil, there is no rebellious aspect of abusing cough syrup (the fact that you aren't really sick and just want to get a little drowsy for kicks). With ZzzQuil, you’re using a NyQuil-like product to do what you were using NyQuil for in the first place, but without that mischievous feeling. ZzzQuil took all fun out drinking more NyQuil than is good for a three hundred pound lumberjack and seeing if you can cum before you pass out on the kitchen floor.

Sweet Carta Compass tattoo, Chad.

So now there’s ZzzQuil and I’m torn about it. So for nostalgic reasons I purchase myself some NyQuil. The big bottle, like the family VALUE sized one that screams at you with huge garish lettering 25% MORE. I take that sucker home and stare at it all misty eyed for about twelve seconds (the time it takes me to remove my pants and find my little measuring cup)

I do like seven shots of that thick, glorious liquid dreamscape and put on some Sublime. You ever listen to Sublime while you’re sketched the fuck out on NyQuil? Do that. Stop reading this, and do it, run to Shoppers Drugmart or Jean Coutu or whatever the hell and buy some NyQuil and get yourself Sublime (self titled) and enjoy. Skip child support this month if you have to and buy a shit ton of NyQuil and listen to Sublime, just ruthlessly looped. You’re welcome.

 

  

I don’t know why Sublime is scrote-expandingly awesome when you’re so messed up you have less perceptive faculties than Helen Keller. Those things aren't for me to know. I always appreciated a little Sublime when was young enough to smoke pot and have friends with barbed wire tattoos, but I had never listened to Nowell babble a few tracks out while I was reeling through a green hued worm hole of drug induced somnambulism.

Sublime in a field of NyQuillian Proctora Gambellus', the extract of which creates NyQuil. Science! 

NyQuil and Sublime goes together like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid without all the homoerotic undertones or Katharine Ross. Together like sweater vests and tweed jackets or like Facebook and publicly announced abortions.  Without sudden marketing honesty and the threat of product replacement, I never would have known this fundamental truth of life. Thank you Vick’s, you can have my money AND my confused respect now.

"Fuck off, I have the sniffles"